WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK?!?-“FANTASTIC 4:MOVIE REVIEW”

Where do I begin?!? It’s almost encomprehensible on how.. BAD this film is! How it’s so poorly put together, and yet!.. The studio thought it was ok enough to release in theaters!

( WARNING! I WILL USE A KHARDASHIAN SIZED ASS LOAD OF ADULT LANGUAGE WITHIN THIS BLOG! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE OR A HYPER SENSITIVE DOUCHE BAG, DO NOT CONTINUE READING! ALSO: SPOILERS ARE APLENTY! IN THIS CASE.. I WOULD SAY I’LL BE DOING YOU A FAVOR! That being said..ENJOY!)

Roughly 85% of what was in that trailer.. Is not even in the movie! All that stuff that looks like its exciting action.. Is not there! Everything else is just edited to look like it is exciting. The part where The Thing is tossing around that tank.. Is litterally a split second scene that’s viewed via monitor. Not real time. But let me not get ahead of myself. Lets start from the begening.

THE PLOT:

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Is quite literally, non-existent. The film is so poorly directed and edited. Nothing makes sense! It’s like each scene is an episode on to itself, and quickly goes nowhere! What could have made for good plot points and nice character development, gets completely thrown away at its first sight! For example: 1,”Doom” is the one who actually got the government interested in interdimentional travel, before they discover Reed Richards could get it to work right. With that, could have come his reasons behind wanting to travel dimensions. ‘To find his mother!’ Nope! Not in this movie. It’s all about scientific discovery ol’ Doomy here! 2, (that’s right.. It doesn’t  end there!) ‘Doom’ of course is crushing on Susan. And so gets jealous  when he sees she and Reed getting chummy chummy! They do nothing with that! It’s there and then it’s gone! 3, Sibling rivalry between Johnny and Sue? That lasted about a second! She’s smart and dear old dad favors that, more then Johnny-boys need for speed additude. There today, gone in the following scene. 4, Ben is transformed into the Thing, when he and Reed finally confront each other about it.. A YEAR LATER! (I shit you not, the film skips a whole fucking Year, after they get their   powers!) He’s royally pissed at Reed, like, ‘your dead to me’ type of pissed… And then it’s gone!! WHAT THE FUCK?!? Seriously! A scene and a half later, it’s cool. It’s not even there anymore! 5, There is truly no chemistry between these people! Character and Actor wise! They didn’t convince me that they gave a shit! It’s like the actors seriously gave up half way through production!… Seriously.. I could go on, and on. But lets move along..

THE CHARACTERS:

MILES TELLER/REED RICHARDS..

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Did not give a flying fuck! He was probably the first to give up on this film. The most compelling part of his character, was the fact that he couldn’t control his elasticity.

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So after they transformed, he escapes, leaving his BEST FRIEND BEN behind. And he disappears for a whole year! During that time, he creates a suit that helps him control his stretching abilities. We know nothing about this. It’s not discussed, it’s not really noticeable. UNTIL! The “climactic” battle with ‘Doom’. Doom uses his stupid as shit powers on Reed. Breaking pieces of his suit apart and Reed crumples to the floor all stretched out, unable to pull himself together.. (“Oh! He can’t control his powers?! When did that happen? He was using them before really good? I never realized that!” That’s because they didn’t explain that!) Then Reed sees his friends all getting thier asses handed to them, mustering all the strength he had.

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He pulls himself together just in time to save his friends!.. Absouloutly no fucks  given! That seen was supposed to be an emotional moment for Reed and the audiance.. Like, the hero finding the strength within to rescue his friends.. But that moment had no foundation in order for us to feel any satisfaction.. It’s fucked up!

KATE MARA/ SUE STORM..

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A real life Groot could have given a more heartfelt performance as Sue Storm! Kate Mara is a very talented actress, but she looked like she had nothing to work with here! She’s on record, saying she wanted to read the comics but Josh Trank told her that wasn’t necessary.. Uh.. It think it was necessary buddy! The whole cast should have picked up a damn comic! Maybe they would have had a clue who the fuck they were playing!! She barely had a solid scene or interaction with Michael B Jordan! There was no connection between the two. And what the fuck was the deal with her hair?!?

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Seriously!! One scene, she has dirty blonde hair, the next scene it’s border line brown and the next it’s a platinum blonde wig? No exaggerating.. I swear.. In two scenes that are back to back, hair goes from one color and style to another!

Michael B. Jordan/ JOHNNY STORM:

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He clearly tried so hard.. But they gave him nothing! I mean nothing! The screen time they did give him was totally wasted on bull shit scenes that were not necessary at all!  As I look back now.. It was like every actor was given their own separate script. No one knew what the fuck they were doing!

JAMIE BELL/ THE THING/ BEN GRIMM

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They actually set up a very special relationship between Reed and Ben at the start of the film… Then they quickly shitted all over it, then ate it, and shitted it again! He’s barely in the film! Reed’s best and only friend is not even there to help him build the machine! They bring him in after the fact. Like, “Oh, your my best friend, come with me! We’re going to use the machine behind the government heads back.. So come with me!” That’s how they weasel back him in to the story. Then! The worst part! They fucked up the whole, “I’m angry with you Reed, cause its your fault I’m a monster!” Side of the relationship! It’s so damn fucked up!

TOBEY KEBBEL/ ‘C3PO ON METH’

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I am a big fan of Doom.. A HUGE Fan! I LOVE Dr. Doom.. So understand that what I’m about to say, comes from that love. *Deep Breath*

THOSE COCK SUKING FUCK BAG PIECES OF COCK GOBBELING SHITS!! MOTHER FUCKING SCUM LICKING DOUCHE BAG EATING CAMEL SPIT BALL GURGELING FUCKERS!!! FUCKING STUPID PIECES OF HORSE SHIT EATING ASSHOLES!! FUCKING FOX, MAN…. How the fuck do you fuck up Dr. Doom?!?

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THAT! Was not Doom.. I just.. I don’t understand it! They don’t even paint him as a villain in this film. Just an arrogant, blow hard! I mean.. There a whole montage of them getting along with each other as they build the machine together. He doesn’t like the government.. Who does?! It.. I shit you not folks.. When all was said and done, I turned off the bootleg copy of F4, laid in bed.. And as I reflected on what I had just saw… And I was going to cry! Seriously.. It’s just so fucking sad how bad this movie was…

Although I mostly blame Fox for how fucked up this movie is… BUT! FUCK YOU JOSH TRANK!! FUCK YOU AND FUCK 20TH CENTURY FOX! CHOKE ON THING’S BIG ORANGE COCK!!

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In closing.. NO FUCKING STARS FOR THIS MOVIE!! You get NOTHING!

You folks want a movie recommendation? GO SEE ANTMAN! A real MARVEL MOVIE! F4 is currently sitting at number 2 in the box office right now! While Antman, the superior film, is sitting at number 5! Lets change this people.. GO SEE ANT-MAN!! I would rather watch Green Lantern, Amazing Spiderman 2 and Catwoman on a 24 hour loop then see this bull shit ever again!! EVER!

(However! If your a morbid individual. And enjoy watching train wrecks, watch F4 and then whack yourself with a sledge hammer as punishment!)

So, until next time folks… Peace out!

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