(SPOILERS APLENTY!!) “THE SPECULATING NERD SPOILS AND REVIEWS- ‘STAR WARS:THE FORCE AWAKENS'”

YEEEEAAHHH BBOOOYYY!!! Spec-u-lating Neeeerrrdd!! Wasabi Nerds and Nerdettes! Your pal Specualting Nerd here, to spoil the living shit out of..

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In case the title isn’t clear enough.. SPOILER ALERT!! And, Specilations are  bound to happen..

So! First off.. KYLO REN?..

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Fucking Han Solo and Leia’s son.. Totally turned all DARK SIDE and shit while under the tutelage of Luke Skywalker! Luke was training the next generation of Jedi, when this kid somehow got all corrupted by Supreme Leader Snoke. Ol’ Ben Solo joined the Knights of Ren, Became Kylo Ren and Slaughtered all the new Jedi, Order 66 style.

Luke felt like it was his fault, and went in to solitude. (What is it with Jedi’s and secluding themselves every time they fuck up?!)

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Poe Dameron.. Litterally in the film for a total of.. 20-30 minutes.. (Probably due to Oscar Issac’s filming of Apoacalypse at the same time.. Or probably they wrote it that way) Really cool character, look forward to seeing more in the next one.

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Finn, aka: FN2187, is given his name by Poe. When Finn helps Poe escape from the first order. He’s not a Jedi. Doesn’t know how the force works. But can wield a Lightsaber pretty darn good. Until he comes across Kylo Ren.. Dude gets sliced into unconsciousness.

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REY!! Oh god she was Fucking awesome!! She IS the force that awakens! She is strong with the force. Ok, fuck spoilers right now. Pure speculating mode activate! There is a theory that she is most likely Obi Wan Kenobi’s granddaughter or great granddaughter. Which is really a solid theory if you relly think about it. Her ability to use the Jedi Mind trick so expertly, and stuff. BUT! I am willing to put money on the idea that she is Luke’s kid! We won’t have the big reveal in the next film like in Empire, “Rey, I am your father!” But it will come up.. The big mystery would probably be who is Rey’s mother! And why she abandoned her on Jakku. My theory? After the whole Kylo Ren thing, and the slaughter of the new Jedi. Rey’s mother takes her away from Luke to protect her. Not from Luke, but from the whole Jedi/Sith ordeal. Rey could have shown signs of being strong with the force at an early age. So, it would make sence that her mother would take her away to protect her. With Luke in self imposed exile, he didn’t know where to look for Rey, or her mother. But, it could most likely turn into a whole other thing.. And she could have no relation to any other Star Wars character at all. But I like the Luke’s Daughter idea.

SNOKE!

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Motion captured by the great Andy Serkis.. LOOK at this fucker! I know it’s not a very clear pic.. But this guy has seen some shit man. That gash on his head? Like damn bro! Maybe you ahold have worn a Helmet or something. This guy HAS to be Darth Plagueis! He survived Palpatines attempt on his life all those many years ago and watched from the shadows as his apprentice created an EMPIRE! With Palpatines dead.. “Snoke” and his First Order came in to pick up the slack.

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Starkiller base.. A much bigger Death Star nonetheless. But, I didn’t like how they repeated the whole Alderaan thing. StarKiller base destroys a whole planetary system. “The New Galactic Republic” Couracant probably one of the planets destroyed, and they kinda glossed over it like. “Oh no, some planets were destroyed.. Lets get back to finding Luke again.” It lacked any emotional impact. Except for when you see the people on the planet look up and see the giant ball of fire about to incinerate them. But it falls flat.

Another misstep, and the last I can complain about because the movie really is awesome.. Maz Kanata’s explanation to having Luke’s original Lightsaber… Han-“Where’d you get that?” Maz- “Thats a good question for another time..” WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK?!?

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“BITCH, YOU TELL US WHERE AND HOW YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE YELLOW HANDS ON THAT THING RIGHT NOW!!”

Did not like that.. OH, and Captain Phasma!..

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Were they seriously trying to make her exactly like Bobba Fett?! Really cool and bad ass looking.. But utterly USELESS!! They better bring her back and do right by her! Cause seriously.. That was bull shit!

Get your tissues ready folks.. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this!”

HAN SOLO DIES!! At the hands of his own son! When you watch it.. You see it coming… But when it hits.. Man when it hits.. It’s like a Lightsaber to the heart!

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(Oh shit! Too soon?!) I was pissed and sad at the same time.. As much as I love the character Kylo Ren  and the development of his story arc.. I FUCKING HATE HIM! I really do!

The Lightsaber duels at the end. First between Ren and Finn really cool and fun to watch. Your already pissed at Ren for killing Han, so the idea of somebody ready to kick his ass was really fun. It got better, when Ren knocked the saber out of Finns hand and knocked him out with a slice to his back. The saber was a good distance away, so Ren tried to use the Force to retrieve it. But it wouldn’t budge. He tried again and then it zoomed past him and landed in Rey’s hand. The audience went Ape shit! She kicked his ass!! Dude had no reason to wear a mask, with his perfect face. But after Rey was done with him, dude is gonna need that mask for reals now!

No surprise, We find Luke on some deserted island. Rey stands before him, presenting him with his old Lightsaber, with a look of “Please help me.. Show me the way” look on her face. It, wasn’t exactly anti-climactic.. But it was a suitable ending. I can’t wait for the next one.. It can’t come fast enough!

(Am I supposed to do a rating now or some shit?.. You already gave it a rating?..  You sure?.. Ah fuck it!)

I give “STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS” 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 9 out of 10! I don’t give a fuck if I spoiled it for you.. GO SEE IT! You saw it already? GO SEE IT AGAIN!!

Thats it for me.. See you folk next time.. PEACE OUT BITCHES!!

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